The Three Shit System

Written by: Monkey House
Mon, Jan 07 2019 - 12:40
News Criticism
We’ve all been there. Don’t lie. Your commute to work is disrupted by the familiar groans and cramping that preempt diarrhea. You take one slug of a Bloody Mary the morning after a drinking binge and the sweat mounts dubiously on your brow. The motion of your digestive track moves like an unstoppable force towards your anus and no matter how badly you wish to restrain it, the shit escapes and soils your draws. 

We’re talking about shitting your pants, people. Whether it stems from a garbage diet, excess booze, a heroin issue, whatever; we’ve all shit our pants. It is not glorious. It is not dignified. The disposing of one’s undies in a public restroom garbage, the wiping of one’s dirty ass with a Dunkin Donuts napkin. No, this is not a regular occurrence. One does not simply poop their pants daily, weekly, monthly, etc…Thankfully we’ve come up with a system. You get three shit-your-pants a year, people. No guilt, no shame. No questions asked. Three, no more and no less. 

Well…it’s not a hard and fast rule. There are certain criteria: age, diet, overall health, drug intake, alcohol intake, etc…If you, say, eat deep fried burgers regularly, then your number increases. If you are a 75-year-old man, your number increases. If you participate in regular exercise and clean eating, then your number decreases. 

Be your own judge. What number makes sense for you? Have you ever shit your pants? Does this happen to you regularly? So early into 2019, we hope you can set a standard for yourself. If you’re having trouble coming up with a number, use The System. Three a year, people. Three a year.


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This was, and still remains to be the most outrageous take on the podcast

Sunday Gravy: Jan 29 19 11:06